


Hope Is A Dangerous Thing (That I Lost)

by anishahello



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Being Lost, Dark, Depression, Fear, Giving Up, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inspired by Music, Intense, Lana Del Rey inspired, Other, References to Body Dysphoria, References to Depression, Religious Conflict, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, This isn't a happy fic, chapter two is dark, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2020-11-23 02:42:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20884823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anishahello/pseuds/anishahello
Summary: this is a thing





	1. Chapter 1

You would think it was easy to abandon something you didn't really make a promise to. _You would think._

One would also think that putting yourself out there for something as easy as an audition should be simple. _One should think._

Keeping a front in front of a group of people is easy though. _Knowing what's real is what is hard._

It's strange looking into a mirror and not knowing what is real about your own self. _Not being real about what you see._

It's not really hard to be excited about something, but never show up. But, there is something very hard about it at the same time.

**You have to still look at yourself in the mirror. No, this isn't directed at you. _I'm always talking about myself._**

What a wretched sight, but I can't look away because, what if I get better? _I haven't yet, and I should know I never will._

No matter how much I struggle though, time keeps going on and on, and I keep breaking promises that I didn't even make.

I feel like I'm obliged to so many things, that making the promise in the first place isn't needed. _Especially since I'm most likely not going to be reliable in the end._

I never am.

People shouldn't, and _don't _ rely on me, because thankfully everyone around me is smart enough to see through my walls. _I've never been strong._

I'm not someone who has the shoulder to cry on. _I'm usually the one who's crying. Don't rely on the person who always needs someone._

It's always nice to think I have confidence to do basic things, to really do things. _It seems like it should come naturally but, I'm still waiting._

I am still waiting on myself to be more realistic but, that in itself is an impossible dream I shouldn't ever even _try _ to go after.

Why?

If I was a lot more realistic, I would finally see myself for who I am and, _I'm not ready to see that still, a coward still lives in me yet._

If I was a lot more realistic, I would look in myself and see someone who has a lot of hate. _I'm still in denial, I want to think I'm capable of love._

If I step out of my world of fantasy, I would finally see just what an awful person I really am but, _don't I already know this?_

Since I already know this, what am I still doing?

Why do I keep feeling committed to things I made no promises to? _I shouldn't even show any interest in anything anymore. Don't get the hopes up._

Being more realistic about my life would be devastating but, I'm already at the bottom. _Might as well just accept where I am._

I can't ignore the pain anymore, I have to be realistic. _I've never been okay._

** _I don't want to continue this game that I'm playing but, I have to._ **

So, if I'm going to be stuck here, might as well get more realistic about my situation.

I'm not a consistent person.

I'm not a happy person.

I'm not a reliable person.

I lie. A lot.

I like to present myself as a good person. _More lying._

But, there is one good thing about me. _I can get real enough with myself to finally stop hoping good for my future._

** _I'm not a person who deserves a good future._ **


	2. no

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no words

I've gotten to a point in my life where nothing I do matters.

_The name that I have isn't even one that I want to keep._

I've got to keep going in life but what's the use?

_No one around me knows who I really am._

I lie so much, I hide the truth that doesn't even need to be hidden.

_I get punished for not taking care of myself, making it worse._

The future is coming way too fast, why can't I stay in the past?

_I want to be more of an adult, but not like this._

I want to write all of the good ideas in my brain, I've got so many ideas.

_But they're useless if I can't just start writing them down._

I can't establish myself and be an adult if I don't do anything.

_Yet if I do anything, it'll ruin my future even more._

Why does everyone around me just care about if I'll go back to school or get a job?

_Aren't you even a little curious about why I lost hope in my future?_

I was supposed to be the mature child.

_Losing the reputation slowly hurts more than I thought._

I used to be a good student. Still can be.

_I just know that if I keep going like this, I'll be trapped in this hell forever._

My birth name is pretty, but I don't want to keep it.

_I can't call it my deadname yet, haven't thought of a new one._

There's no one around me that can help.

_No one that can save me from where I am._

If God is the most important thing in my house, where do I fit in?

_How would they react if I told them I stopped believing? _

I have church tonight as well, and I am beginning to think all hope is lost.

_I've begun to hope my body gets so disfigured that I have to skip church._

Isn't that odd? Hoping harm onto myself just to get pity and care.

_It never lasts, and they usually hold it over my head after._

My brother is making such strides in life.

_They say I'm going to have to take care of myself, like my life matters._

My parents once told me they'd support me no matter what.

_All that said was they'd support me if I didn't give them grandchildren. _

Who I am isn't who my family loves. It isn't who anyone loves.

_I misgender myself sometimes because no one is around to help me._

I begin to wonder, what if I was normal?

_What if I wanted all that they wanted for me?_

I wouldn't be in this much pain.

_But, of course, I know better than to think like this._

I couldn't believe in a God, I'd eventually stop.

_I couldn't stay as one gender, both of them make me feel sick._

But thanks to the fact that I am who I am,

_I've got no support._

I yearn and daydream about a day where I escape this life.

_But deep down I know it's just a daydream._

I'm always going to be here.

_Always going to be lying until the day I die._

Losing hope rapidly sucks but,

_Losing it over a period of time is a pain I can't describe._

I, I don't even know how I'll continue writing this.

_I know it doesn't matter._

But, might as well have someone out there know the true me, before,

I am nonbinary and bisexual, my pronouns are they/them. I ship so, so many ships.

I really like anime, and horror movies. (The Shining and Doctor Sleep the most.)

I used to shame myself for shipping things that are problematic because of how people reacted. 

Key word: used to.

I let myself dive in, and didn't care how strange the ship was.

It made me happy, that's all that mattered. 

I liked DC a lot more than Marvel, my family didn't like that a lot more than they needed to.

I, I can't put all of my favourite movies here but, I had a lot.

I loved raw cookie dough and avocado. 

I used to like mint but, that kind of got weird for me.

There was a period in my life where I couldn't stand oranges. 

(They're alright now. Still can't drink orange juice.)

I used to still watch Sesame Street as a stress relief.

I loved childish things to deny the fact that the only time people really loved me for me,

_Was when I was a child._

I won't let this drag on any further. I, I'm done.

Not with life but, I'm done caring. 

I am so sorry.


	3. All Italics Vent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Been a while since I've been here lol, anyways I'm sad

_ It's odd being terrified of someone who you don't even feel like you have a good reason to be scared of. Logic tells you that there's no good reason to be scared of them. So when you're almost shaking when you're speaking to them, it doesn't make any sense. _

_ It's like this deep pit in your stomach that you know shouldn't be there. And it's not like you even talk that much, so the amount of fear you feel is unreasonable. This kind of feeling is something that I know too well, but I feel like I really shouldn't. _

_ I don't think I should even allow myself to be afraid of anyone, yet here I am. I want to be someone strong, but here I am as my hands are almost shaking as I speak to someone. I need this feeling to go away soon, since it's not doing anything good. _

_ I don't even want to believe that the person I'm scared of is a bad person, I want to think they're good. It's beyond want, I actually think they're a good person. So my fear of them seems even more unreasonable, and a product of my paranoia.  _

_ I am a paranoid person, believe it or not. I tend to always think the people around me are going to betray me one way or another. So being scared of someone that I have no reason to be shouldn't sound too abnormal to someone like me. _

_ Except I'm sitting here wondering why I'm so terrified, therefore making me a lot more scared than before. I know damn well that me constantly thinking about this isn't helping me at all. It doesn't help that I haven't eaten for hours. _

_ When people say you don't think straight when you haven't eaten for hours, they're right. Still, even when I'm in a regular state of mind this person still scares me and I feel like they shouldn't. I want to be super close to this person, maybe even get to be friends. _

_ Yet here I am being pathetic, not getting up to get food or make an effort to make friends. That's what makes me pathetic, I don't ever make an effort to fix the problems that I have. I just sit here and type away my complaints instead of moving to go and fix them. _

_ There shouldn't be pride in how long it's been since I've last eaten, and I certainly shouldn't be counting the hours. There are also other important things I should be doing with my life, yet here I am. Isn't it odd that I find it so easy to do this instead of do something productive? _

_ This isn't me asking for any guilt, god knows I feel so fucking sorry for myself. I just want my words to be heard, even though I know I'm in the wrong. Please understand, I am the one in the wrong here. No one else is but me. _

_ The person I am scared of isn't in the wrong, because I have no good reason to be scared of them. They've done nothing to make me scared of them, yet here I am terrified. So that's why I'm the villain of this story, and they're the hero. _

_ I'm the Disney Villain that will fall down a cliff, or will be torn apart by hyenas. I'm not a good person, the person I'm scared of is a good person. Am I scared of them because they're a good person? Is that what terrifies me so much? _

_ They're being exactly who I should be, someone who actually warrants the praise of their peers? My peers? I guess so, but I never face my problems enough to know. That's why they're the good person and I'm not, I never actually face my problems and I treat myself like shit, and I wonder why my health declines. _

_ I treat myself like shit, but that fact shouldn't worry your sympathy or pity. I've done this to myself, and I'm becoming an even worse person for it. I'm turning into an awful person as this rant goes on, I should really stop typing. But that's what makes me the Disney Villain.  _

_ I didn't stop when I should, the figurative red stop sign was clearly in my way but I ignored it. The only reason I'm still typing is there isn't any cliff with a storm and there certainly aren't any hyenas around that I've cheated or lied to. There's no clear way to stop this Disney Villain, no way to get the happy ending. I'm what's in the way of a happy ending. _

_ I'm scared of the person who deserves all the love, when I know damn well I don't deserve it. There's no redeeming qualities about me, and that isn't self deprecating that's just the truth. I want to be a good person, but then I turn around just to be an awful person, proving my words are hollow. _

_ That's it, my words are hollow, so what use does this have? No one should be listening to someone like me, they should be listening to the hero's speech. I'm the one trying to scream for attention that I do not deserve. Scream for sympathy that I have not earned in any shape or form.  _

_ I haven't been doing good by the people around me, and I really should start. I need to actually start to do some of the things I need to do, be a responsible human being. I need to stop being the villain in everyone's story before people around me actually get a hint that I need to be taken out. _

_ That sounds cowardly, I know, but I never said I was a coward. I'm the villain who makes their body hurt because they refuse to get up and eat food. I'm disgusted by just how villainous I've been to my body over the years.  _

_ I just realised I've stopped talking about the person who scares me to try and get some pity points. Just how disgusting of a person am I? My body is still hurting yet I make no move to fix the problem. My mind is screaming at me to get up and do something, but like the villain I am, I don't. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weee these be my feelings


	4. Songfic (Important Chapter) Until I Bleed Out The BNHA Fandom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is going to explain just why I haven't been posting to any BNHA fanfic that I have, and why I might not update them for a while. I am so sorry in advance. You guys deserve so much better than me.

** _I can't move, I'm so paralyzed_ **

** _I'm so paralyzed_ **

Staring at the fandom I once called home from the outside is a colder feeling than I thought it would be. I should walk inside. People are expecting me, I know this much. They’ve been sending such kind messages, like I’ve just been on some cross country trip to discover myself, and that I’m coming home someday. They’re leaving such kind messages to me, kinder than I deserve. I know they would read differently if they knew the truth. No doubt about it. Yet here I am, standing outside at a safe distance, observing everything like I was never a part of it in the first place.

** _I can't explain why I'm terrified_ **

** _I'm so terrified_ **

I know I should be honest to the people who are waiting for me, they deserve that much. At the same time, I have to keep this to myself. A deep, bone crushing fear inside of me just won’t let me be honest, about anything really. I don’t think I can ever openly admit I’ve fallen out of the My Hero Academia fandom. I’ve built my very existence around this, and look at me now. Fallen out of it, lying straight through my teeth to the people who believe in me, let my lies encourage them. I’ve hurt so many people just because I’m too much of a coward to tell the truth.

** _Well, I don't wanna touch the sky no more_ **

** _I just wanna feel the ground when I'm coming down_ **

** _It's been way too long_ **

There’s so much to the BNHA fandom, and even if I am caught up in the manga, I don’t think I can ever be with anything else. I see the people who are in this all the way and I know for a fact that I can’t be like them anymore. I’m not in this life anymore. I don’t even know if there’s going to be a time when I’ll go back. I think at the end of the day, this is what’s making the process the most painful. If I actually admit to myself I’m not really here, and walk out one hundred percent, I don’t think I’m ever going to come back. At the same time, I don’t think I can keep up these lies anymore. Being here in the first place has been amazing, magical. It’s been a high. But, all good things must come to an end, even if it is rather abruptly. The truth has to be revealed, one way or another. The band-aid has to come off.

  
  
  


** _And I don't even wanna get high no more_ **

** _I just want it out of my life_ **

** _Out of my life, out_ **

I didn’t think this was going to be such a painful part, but here I am. There’s absolutely no part of me that wants to update any BNHA fic that I have, no matter how much I love writing here. Releasing content is such a high, but whenever I try and write for any fic that I have, there’s no pleasure. Even when I release anything, there’s no heart. I’m not actually there. I don’t want to keep doing this, I have to come clean. There’s too many people looking up to me for the wrong reasons for me to not come clean. I don’t get any pleasure from much BNHA content that is outside of the manga, and the sooner I’m honest about this to the people around me, the sooner things start getting done. I wanted to believe this was just something that was going to pass, a phase. I can’t believe I did the, ‘It’s Just A Phase,’ thing to myself. Guess we all become different people when we think we can fix something about ourselves. I hate how I have to do this, that I haven’t dragged myself back into the fandom and meant it. 

  
  


** _I wanna cut you outta my dreams_ **

** _'Til I'm bleeding out_ **

** _'Til I'm bleeding_ **

** _I wanna cut you outta my mind_ **

I spent a good portion of my time in the BNHA fandom, feeling the highs and the lows. Wrote a lot. I got the hate and the love through the comments, and felt the true two sides of the fandom. I came, I saw, but there has to be a time where I leave, and this is that time. I feel like until now, I was a spirit in strong denial that I was ever dead but, I have to face the facts. I’m not actually alive here, my heart stopped beating for this place a long time ago. I have to be honest about this before I become a poltergeist, and hurt more people than I already have. I feel like I’ve been bleeding from some wound for some time, but at this moment, I’ve just accepted that I’ve bled out.

** _'Til I'm bleeding out_ **

** _'Til I'm bleeding_ **

** _I wanna cut you outta my dreams_ **

** _Woah, I'm bleeding out_ **

** _Girl, I'm bleeding_ **

** _I wanna cut you outta my mind_ **

** _'Cause I'm bleeding out_ **

** _Oh, I'm bleeding_ **

** _Girl, I'm bleeding_ **

I’d be lying to myself that I was ever falling out of the fandom at first, wanting to do all I could to preserve myself. Stop the bleeding. Not knowing that what I was doing made the bleeding worse. I was able to hide the blood from everyone around me at first, until there was too much of it. Which led me to standing outside, silently praying that I was somehow able to patch myself up and go back inside, almost as if nothing happened. I didn’t expect that I would have to face that I lost the fight a long time ago like this. I don’t even have the strength in me to get back up again, to walk back into this fandom like nothing happened. The wound would re-open, and I don’t have any more blood to give. I wish this could end any other way, but at the same time, I’ve never been more relieved. I’m finally admitting to not being in the BNHA fandom anymore. Letting go, letting myself pass on. 

** _I keep telling myself I don't need it_ **

** _I keep telling myself I don't need it anymore_ **

** _I keep telling myself I don't need it anymore_ **

** _Need it anymore_ **

I sincerely apologise to those who had looked up to me in any way, or had been excited about a fic I have in the BNHA fandom, but I’m not there anymore. I’ve passed on, bled out a long time ago. This confession was a long time coming, and I hate that I tried to make content for you guys that wasn’t sincere. Wasn’t honest. So here I am, finally admitting to everyone that I’m out of the game. Out of the fandom. I tried to lie to myself for too long about this, but I couldn’t keep haunting the fandom like this. Time to purge my spirit from these halls, move onto where my heart really lies. I am so sorry for this, once again, but I’m not going to come back for a while. I wish that I had more answers than this, but I don’t. I am so sorry, but I am not going to come back to the BNHA fandom in the foreseeable future. I have enjoyed my time here though, all of you have been amazing to me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was my confession.
> 
> The song is by The Weeknd

**Author's Note:**

> :/
> 
> this is my brain rn


End file.
